The Success in Daring

Beloved of God,

I have walked around with an underlying feeling of failure as long as I can remember.  A lifetime of dieting and still seeing a plus-sized person in the mirror will do that.  I have prayed about losing weight, studied all the many ways to do it, cried out in despair, worked on it, chipped away, rebelled, lived in disobedience, had short-term success...and each time, failure. So that's what I've seen in the mirror...a girl who is stuck in a vicious cycle, caught up in addictions with no self-control and feeling like I would forever be a disappointment.

But you know, I have come to realize it's these thoughts I held on to because they are the thoughts I gave attention to.   Sometimes, it's not a thought we take on but what is being whispered into our ear by the enemy, disguised as thought.  I inclined my head in the wrong direction for so long, that I took on the accusation of failure as my own. 

Intellectually, we know our Father would never want us to feel this way but to REALLY approach Him with this burden of shame, it was hard to feel worthy of His presence.  At the very least, it seemed easier to carry my failure than it was to face His disappointment.  It’s taken me a long time to TAKE IN that God has NEVER felt that way about me.  Those lies came from the enemy too.

For the New Year I wanted a fresh boldness in the presence of God, to face answers to a hard question, "Lord, am I a failure?" and because God is LOVE and MERCY and GRACE, He spoke into my heart,

"You have only been able to feel like a failure because you dared to try."

In that moment, He removed my burden of guilt and shame and He allowed me to glimpse my courage and tenacity and WILLINGNESS to put myself in a position TO fail.  He reminded me that I don't give up, that I persevere and that I continue to FIGHT.   It’s not just about the goals I'm trying to reach but who I'm becoming on the way.

Today my head is tipped in another direction.  The enemy does not have an audience with me.  I am working on a new habit of seeing myself with fresh eyes, through the eyes of my Father, and listening to what He says about me, louder than the enemy and louder than  myself.