More Important than the Relationship, the Individual

Beloved of God,

From Day 1, I have been devoted to my marriage: "Whatever it takes, I'm in." And in my pride, I thought I was doing well, because compared to so many couples in this world, "at least I was still married."  In iMarriage with Andy Stanley, however, he made a small but critical distinction that made my marriage instantly better:   Yes, I was devoted to the marriage but was I devoted to the person?

When you are devoted to the marriage, you're more focused on what each person is (or isn't!) bringing to the relationship. Who we're "supposed" to be, the measure of how we contribute to the progression of the family (financially, emotionally etc) and whether or not promises are being fulfilled become the focus.  Do you have expectations?  Does your partner meet them, exceed them or fall short?  How does your marriage compare to others?  How does your spouse's contribution to parenting, provision, managing the household...compare to yours? Are you watchful that the gifts reflect thoughtful care, a sense of intimacy?  Are you keeping tabs on who did what?  After years of being married, is your spouse still "paying for" something they did wrong in the early days? Or worse, what someone ELSE did wrong long before you even met? A relationship-centered marriage can be short on grace and long on ego.

The alternative, then, is to be devoted to the INDIVIDUAL.  When you are devoted to the people you love and not just the relationships they represent the margin for grace grows exponentially.  It’s easier to forgive someone, love deeper, feel grateful for them, relax more and ENJOY the person you're married to when you focus on who they are, not just what they do.  When you focus on the person, you see the hard work and the "showing up", not just the paycheck, the rank or potential for promotion.  When it’s the individual who matters, you hear the jokes better, laughter flows easier and that connection beomes more important than "goofing off" or "not taking things seriously".   It's easier to see someone's pain when you're not just waiting for them to "suck it up" or "get over it."  Their presence becomes more important than what they provide.   When we truly SEE someone and love them exactly where they are, it gives them room to grow, dream, change, adapt, make mistakes and flourish.  We see how to support them better, we forgive faster and the enjoyment comes quicker.  It becomes an UsMarriage, not just an iMarriage.

The beautiful thing about moving your focus from relationships to individuals, is that the blessings extend well beyond marriage:

- Children can't JUST be an activity, grade, accomplishment, a sibling, a helper or OUR future and aspirations.  Getting to be an individual also gives them room to breathe, make mistakes and learn from them, explore their gifting and develop a sense of worth as they feel seen, heard and understood.

- Parents aren't just measured by their provision and ability to raise us but we can realize they were someone's child, friend, sibling or spouse long before we came along. And you know what? They weren't given an instruction manual either.

-The people we work with aren't just providing us with an opportunity for advancement or a paycheck, these are people we can learn from (for better or worse!). As much as you are trying to provide for your family, have hurt from the past, are struggling with a present situation or have concerns about the future, they do too. Start there.

...and it goes on.  When we are devoted to the individual, and not just the relationship we have with them, we grow beyond definition, expectation or demand and we make room for love, respect and JOY.