Help Me to KNOW How You Love Me

(DEDICATED TO "BOX OF ROCKS", my Sunday school homies who were my match in the darkness and set my feet back toward deliberate time with God.)

Beloved of God,

When you spend too many years not feeling loved by someone you think should've loved you better, the way you needed or AT ALL...it changes you when they fall short of that expectation.  Layers of disappointment, rejection and anger begin to develop a mask that you hide behind until it hardens.  It becomes your shield for the soft interior, the weak thing that allowed you to get hurt in the first place.  You will NOT let anyone in like that again. You will NOT care enough to be that vulnerable. You’ll be more careful with your heart.  If they didn't want it, maybe it's not that loveable anyway...

For me, this person is still in my life.  I do a lousy job of protecting myself before our encounters and I'm still getting the hang of being above it all, especially when they're doing their best to pull me into their depths.  It is a relationship that I have to constantly overcome and it is not one in which I can walk away.

The thing is, it's not their fault I feel this way, it’s mine.  I control my response. I decide who I am before and after.  I am the mistress of my own baggage.   They have their own and it's even bigger and heavier than mine, I know.  The contents has been packed and shoved in even more carelessly than mine.  It's just that our histories collide and it's a messy messy thing when it does. The awareness of it doesn't make it easier.  You just understand it better.

It’s this relationship that I think other relationships have had to fight through for years.  My husband, thank God, is a man of perseverance, strength, patience and immeasurable kindness. He has lasted the longest and we are determined to cross the finish line together.  I don't make it easy but my man has been in the trenches with me and he is worth the fight.

It’s also the relationship that still flavors my rebellion and desire for control, two things that work against my need to be completely surrendered to God. Lord, I thank you that in Your pursuit of me that You too have persevered, offered Your strength, have shown more patience than I deserve and You have been immeasurably kind.  Don’t give up on me.

In this moment, I am learning about idolatry.  It is not in this person that I need to pursue validation or measure my worth.  People are too small...too human...to carry that responsibility.  God is not.  We were never meant to look at each other and find our OWN value, but THEIRS.  It's in GOD, our Creator, our Father, our Lord, our Jesus, our Spirit ...that is a reflection of who we were all created to be...IN THEIR/HIS IMAGE (Genesis 1:26-27).  We were not meant to be BOUND by the limitations of the people who share this earthly experience.  We were created to know the FULLNESS of God's gifting with boundless potential.  How limited my vision has been but the scales have fallen from my eyes.

In this moment of clarity, God has set us both free.