The Limiting Beliefs of Should

Beloved of God,

One of the great instigators of strife is the word SHOULD, especially the way it's used in these two instances:

If she's really a ____, she should...
If he loves me then he should...

The first example limits who a person is by focusing on one aspect of who they are.  I am a woman of faith and every part of me is touched by that.  I am, however, also a mom, a wife, a survivor, a military brat, an immigrant, a writer, an artist, broken, restored, a student, a teacher, a mentor, a Stephen Minister, an entrepreneur...I am MANY things.  Each shade of who I am, although washed with my love for Jesus,  also colors how I view the world and my responses within it. 

When we use the word "should" on others it doesn't take into account what they have lived through, who they love, the length of the journey toward change and internal struggle.  It’s easy to think someone SHOULD be something other than who they are, when your perspective comes from just that, YOUR perspective. YOUR experience. YOUR point of view.  Many times, we can speak this SHOULD from a place that has already seen victory.  What you'll find though, is that someone who isn't meeting your standard of SHOULD is still on that journey.  In acknowledging that, we can move toward compassion and away from judgement.

The second example limits HOW a person can love.  Many of us have read The Five Love Languages  by Gary Chapman. It would be great if we all gave it a read, took the test and had everyone we know take the test as well. If we all knew how to love one another so that we each FELT loved with every interaction, what a grand world it would be. It would be worth the effort but it's not always feasible to execute. It is a challenge not to fall back into the rhythm of loving someone else how WE want to be loved.  And that doesn't always translate.  Communication gets muddled.  Intentions are misunderstood.  Tensions mount. Relationships are strained all because someone didn't meet the standard of SHOULD.  Many times this should comes from a place of defeat.  What you'll find though is that someone who isn't meeting your standard  doesn't want you to STAY defeated but they can't know how to help you if they aren't shown the way or given the words.  They're trying to hang on too.  In acknowledging that, we can moved toward feeling loved and away from disappointment.

My husband and I are VERY different people in many ways: hobbies, temperament, what we do for work, senses of humor, our backgrounds and more.  Because of that, we come to the relationship with spaces and shapes that don't always fit.  On days I'm particularly baffled about how God came to put us together, my precious man likes to remind me, "The enemy wants you to concentrate on our differences.  God knew what gaps needed to be filled."  Because of that, I have come to realize "I love you", "I choose you" and "I'm sorry" come in many packages.  They're not always wrapped in the prettiest of paper but it's the gift inside, and the effort it took to present it, that matters.  The point is not how it’s done but that IT HAS TAKEN PLACE.  A SHOULD attempts to lessen its value.

Beloved, I pray that if you are a user of SHOULD and I certainly include myself, that you would temper, reflect and refine. It’s for them but JUST AS MUCH, it's for us.