The Mercy of Meanness and Rebellion
As I was writing my last post, My Temple and My Treasure, God initiated a conversation with me that I've not been able to shake (why do we try?) - "You've been talking to me about how you've failed long enough. I want you to start remembering when you've been successful in overcoming." When I thought about it, what I discovered was that my greatest successes have been times I have been told I could and times I have been told I couldn't. On the surface, it may not seem like a grand revelation but for me, it was a light bulb moment. These were life markers when I'd allowed my rebellion to work FOR me.
To illustrate, once I turned 21 and I COULD drink, it took the shine off the whole activity of doing something forbidden. I didn't really care about drinking and I certainly wasn't going anywhere getting drunk. It was purely an act of rebellion and once it became something I was allowed to do, my whole motivation was gone. I won't pretend that I've not been drunk since I was 21 but drinking is no longer a novelty that feels out of my control. It's been that way for over 20 years. On the opposite end, I quit smoking because an ex-boyfriend told me I COULDN'T quit and said my smoking was the reason HE smoked. I'll just say it - He pissed me off into quitting. I quit cold turkey and was all, "Now what, <insert expletive>." An act of rebellion saved me.
I have fought my rebellious nature for so long, thinking it was a broken piece of the wholeness I was trying to accomplish. As these remembered successes become part of my healing, however, I've embraced that rebellion IS part of my wholeness. I have been fighting something (again, rebellion) that God has intended for me to USE all along. It's just when I have been in the midst of its misuse that I have gotten into trouble. Rebellion provides the fight in me. I just fight on the side of love now, and not the hate I'd held onto for more years than I care to admit.
My healing continues to be a process that isn't always rational. I was explaining this "use of rebellion" to a friend of mine and related it to trying to get healthy. (In my mind's definition, getting healthy = getting smaller. Really, I want to get STRONGER.) It surprised her to hear me say, "You know what makes me run to food? It's when someone says I look like I'm losing weight!" Again, this is not RATIONAL, it's REBELLION. I need something to fight! My ex-boyfriend was awful but in regards to my smoking, he showed mercy in his meanness, even if it was completely unintentional. As I look back, I wish he'd called me a fat slob to boot. I'd probably be a twig with muscles by now! Sadly, everyone around me is so NICE, I just don't see a lot of my friends volunteering to call me a fat slob anytime soon. (Seriously, I'm only half joking about the "sadly" part of that sentence.) I'm going to have to come up with a fight on my own and I can feel it starting to build as I continue to write this entry.
Change does not come in a gentle, pretty package for me. It comes with a snap and a "screw THAT". It comes with the ROAR of a LION. Rebellion has been my enemy for so long but with God's mercy and redemption I am learning how this enemy can become my greatest ally. My curse has become my gift.
To illustrate, once I turned 21 and I COULD drink, it took the shine off the whole activity of doing something forbidden. I didn't really care about drinking and I certainly wasn't going anywhere getting drunk. It was purely an act of rebellion and once it became something I was allowed to do, my whole motivation was gone. I won't pretend that I've not been drunk since I was 21 but drinking is no longer a novelty that feels out of my control. It's been that way for over 20 years. On the opposite end, I quit smoking because an ex-boyfriend told me I COULDN'T quit and said my smoking was the reason HE smoked. I'll just say it - He pissed me off into quitting. I quit cold turkey and was all, "Now what, <insert expletive>." An act of rebellion saved me.
I have fought my rebellious nature for so long, thinking it was a broken piece of the wholeness I was trying to accomplish. As these remembered successes become part of my healing, however, I've embraced that rebellion IS part of my wholeness. I have been fighting something (again, rebellion) that God has intended for me to USE all along. It's just when I have been in the midst of its misuse that I have gotten into trouble. Rebellion provides the fight in me. I just fight on the side of love now, and not the hate I'd held onto for more years than I care to admit.
My healing continues to be a process that isn't always rational. I was explaining this "use of rebellion" to a friend of mine and related it to trying to get healthy. (In my mind's definition, getting healthy = getting smaller. Really, I want to get STRONGER.) It surprised her to hear me say, "You know what makes me run to food? It's when someone says I look like I'm losing weight!" Again, this is not RATIONAL, it's REBELLION. I need something to fight! My ex-boyfriend was awful but in regards to my smoking, he showed mercy in his meanness, even if it was completely unintentional. As I look back, I wish he'd called me a fat slob to boot. I'd probably be a twig with muscles by now! Sadly, everyone around me is so NICE, I just don't see a lot of my friends volunteering to call me a fat slob anytime soon. (Seriously, I'm only half joking about the "sadly" part of that sentence.) I'm going to have to come up with a fight on my own and I can feel it starting to build as I continue to write this entry.
Change does not come in a gentle, pretty package for me. It comes with a snap and a "screw THAT". It comes with the ROAR of a LION. Rebellion has been my enemy for so long but with God's mercy and redemption I am learning how this enemy can become my greatest ally. My curse has become my gift.
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Studio 3:33 - "Children, Guard Your Heart", August 25, 2010
This drawing came out of discussion I'd had with a youth pastor who'd been thinking about having t-shirts made for her kids. The theme was "Guard Your Heart". We didn't end up making the t-shirts but I did enjoy the process of executing this theme.
Studio 3:33 - "Children, Guard Your Heart", August 25, 2010
This drawing came out of discussion I'd had with a youth pastor who'd been thinking about having t-shirts made for her kids. The theme was "Guard Your Heart". We didn't end up making the t-shirts but I did enjoy the process of executing this theme.
Awesome!
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