Afraid of the Light
When I was six, I had a bedroom in which my closet was across from the foot of my bed. Going to sleep in that bed was difficult for me. I would look down and my imagination would go, wondering what kind of little beasties were hiding there until my parents fell asleep. I was sure that as soon as their lights went out I would see that closet door start to open... At six, anything can live in the darkness. And luckily at six, you can also convince yourself that if anything ever DID show their glowing eyes or clawed hands, your teddy bear would wake up and be ready to do battle on your behalf. It was then, sleep would finally come.
As I go through life with my daughter who is now seven, I can't help but take note of the changes in my perception of the night. I must confess that for years, even as an adult, I believed that the darkness still held reasons to be nervous. It changed once I became a Christian. I am no longer afraid of the dark and I actually find it to be comforting. Once I became aware of the presence of God, the comfort of Jesus and the strength in the Holy Spirit it was difficult not to go into the night with confidence. I've never been one to sleep deeply so I spend a lot of time with the night. It's in these quiet hours that I most fully feel the presence of God. It's in the night that I'm quiet enough to receive His prompting, direction and inspiration. In the dark, I can see clearly what it is I need to DO and BE to have a best life. It's in the dark that I most clearly see what I was created to be.
These days, it's the approaching light that can bring up feelings of anxiety and doubt. It's during the dark hours that I cry out, "Lord, help me carry the night into my day!" because I know that it's in the day my rebellion awakens, that distraction assaults my senses and the ideal me who lives at night is forgotten. Every day is a practice in remembering who I set out to be.
Of course, it's not God who separates from me, it's my flesh that goes running off hoping that God will adjust to my desires. As He stands firm, I run straight into the beginnings of regret and I hear Him yell after me, " I THOUGHT WE HAD A PLAN!" Yes, I have reason to fear the light.
With my love for God, and my additional responsibilities, I get into far less trouble than I used to but on many levels, I am still that six year old. I am still trying to get away with things and disobedience is a familiar state. I'm still not doing what is best for me as I look to please my immediate gratification. I look forward to the day I'm a real live grown-up!
Now, my days aren't completely wasted. My relationships with friends and family let me know I'm doing SOMEthing right. I do have a history of obedience to God's prompting. I do my best to practice the love that Jesus modeled. I just know there's more to do, more to be. There will be a time when the lines between night and day won't be so defined. Blurring is taking place and someday, I won't leave the darkness behind.
As I go through life with my daughter who is now seven, I can't help but take note of the changes in my perception of the night. I must confess that for years, even as an adult, I believed that the darkness still held reasons to be nervous. It changed once I became a Christian. I am no longer afraid of the dark and I actually find it to be comforting. Once I became aware of the presence of God, the comfort of Jesus and the strength in the Holy Spirit it was difficult not to go into the night with confidence. I've never been one to sleep deeply so I spend a lot of time with the night. It's in these quiet hours that I most fully feel the presence of God. It's in the night that I'm quiet enough to receive His prompting, direction and inspiration. In the dark, I can see clearly what it is I need to DO and BE to have a best life. It's in the dark that I most clearly see what I was created to be.
These days, it's the approaching light that can bring up feelings of anxiety and doubt. It's during the dark hours that I cry out, "Lord, help me carry the night into my day!" because I know that it's in the day my rebellion awakens, that distraction assaults my senses and the ideal me who lives at night is forgotten. Every day is a practice in remembering who I set out to be.
Of course, it's not God who separates from me, it's my flesh that goes running off hoping that God will adjust to my desires. As He stands firm, I run straight into the beginnings of regret and I hear Him yell after me, " I THOUGHT WE HAD A PLAN!" Yes, I have reason to fear the light.
With my love for God, and my additional responsibilities, I get into far less trouble than I used to but on many levels, I am still that six year old. I am still trying to get away with things and disobedience is a familiar state. I'm still not doing what is best for me as I look to please my immediate gratification. I look forward to the day I'm a real live grown-up!
Now, my days aren't completely wasted. My relationships with friends and family let me know I'm doing SOMEthing right. I do have a history of obedience to God's prompting. I do my best to practice the love that Jesus modeled. I just know there's more to do, more to be. There will be a time when the lines between night and day won't be so defined. Blurring is taking place and someday, I won't leave the darkness behind.
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Studio 3:33 - "The Congregation" August 10, 2010
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