Tucking the Cross
When I became a Christian on January 4th, 2009, I split apart. Half of me, this newest part, began working toward a spiritual ideal. I was head over heals in love with God, I wanted to KNOW Jesus and I had been infused with the Holy Spirit. I had a profound sense of well-being, the anticipation of a grand adventure and the courage to walk into the unknown. Suddenly, my future was LIT, not with the knowledge of what was coming but with the HOPE that was waiting in each new day. I knew that life would continue to unfold, and would still be ugly at times, but now I KNEW I wouldn't face it just as an individual. I had a team that would stand with me. I was an army that would conquer the world's fear with LOVE. It was one of the BEST days of my life. In the midst of this celebration, however, there was a part of me sitting in the corner of my mind, not ready to join the party. This half was the part of me who'd lived my life up to that day. In my pitifully limited imagination, it was like God was this new beautiful boyfriend with whom I hadn't had a relationship long enough to fully trust. In my mind, God was still shrunk to human-size and a part of me wondered if He would hurt me, abuse me, take advantage of me and disappoint me like so many people had in my life. On this day, unlike all others, I was faced with having to share the news of my transformed life with people who'd known me. I knew it wouldn't be easy but little did I know that one of the people I would have to convince of this transformation would be ME.
The life I had lived up to this point was a confusing and twisted parade of years filled with anger, misused rebellion, bitterness, regret and bad choices dotted with feelings of undeserved happiness. I was like a sad clown, wanting nothing more than to make people happy while I felt imprisoned behind my mask. It's what I knew. The day I gave my life to Christ, it was a decision to step out into the unknown and after years of holding my breath, it felt like my first gulp of oxygen.
I wish I could tell you that becoming a Christian for me was a grand revelation and that I finally knew the meaning of my life...but it would be a lie. The decision to begin exploring what all this meant was only the first wobbly step. And there have been so many missteps along the way.
A day that I was particularly convicted that I was still living as two separate people came on November 26th in 2010. It was well into the early morning hours of Black Friday when I perceived that I had been overlooked and under-helped by a tired, overwhelmed sales clerk. Instead of having compassion for her efforts and fatigue, I was filled with indignation, believing I'd deserved a certain level of care I didn't receive. I was ready for a fight and just before I went after her, I tucked my cross. As I did it, the two parts of me collided and I regretfully tell you that the fight one out.* Hours later, back in the quiet sanity of my home, that action left a memory in my hand, a regret in my heart and a scar on my soul. I was deeply ashamed of being so self-centered that I hurt someone else to make a point that I had no right to make. I had to examine why I tucked my cross:
-I tucked my cross so I wouldn't be perceived as a hypocritical Christian, preaching the love of Jesus and then not living up to that standard. Of course, in this moment, that's EXACTLY who I'd been.
-I think in that moment I thought I could step out from under God's gaze, that if somehow I hid His symbol from man, I could hide from Him. Of course, He saw it all...
-I rebelled like I always do. I knew the right thing to do and did the wrong thing anyway.
-This was who I was outside of church: A troublemaker who was still angry. It was harder for me to feel loving toward someone outside of my church family and yet as a Christian, I am called to love EVERYONE into relationship. I failed an opportunity to do so.
Even as I write this, over 2 years later, I can still feel the motion of tucking that cross out of site. I had to wake up to the realization that I had a persona at church and it didn't match the person that continued to struggle outside of its walls. It has been since that day, however, that I have looked for resolution between my two halves and they are learning to work together. Healing has taken place. There is a softening to the fight in me and a fierce determination to be who God calls me to be. It's not perfect, nor do I know that it ever will be. I wrestle with old habits and new awakenings on a daily basis. What I see though is that the person at home is beginning to become indistinguishable from the person who shows up to church, and I'm glad for it. It can be that the greatest lies are told to ourselves and I'm desperate to walk in truth. I've not tucked my cross since that Black Friday and if live out my life with love, I hope it speaks of my being a Christian long before you ever see my cross.
The life I had lived up to this point was a confusing and twisted parade of years filled with anger, misused rebellion, bitterness, regret and bad choices dotted with feelings of undeserved happiness. I was like a sad clown, wanting nothing more than to make people happy while I felt imprisoned behind my mask. It's what I knew. The day I gave my life to Christ, it was a decision to step out into the unknown and after years of holding my breath, it felt like my first gulp of oxygen.
I wish I could tell you that becoming a Christian for me was a grand revelation and that I finally knew the meaning of my life...but it would be a lie. The decision to begin exploring what all this meant was only the first wobbly step. And there have been so many missteps along the way.
A day that I was particularly convicted that I was still living as two separate people came on November 26th in 2010. It was well into the early morning hours of Black Friday when I perceived that I had been overlooked and under-helped by a tired, overwhelmed sales clerk. Instead of having compassion for her efforts and fatigue, I was filled with indignation, believing I'd deserved a certain level of care I didn't receive. I was ready for a fight and just before I went after her, I tucked my cross. As I did it, the two parts of me collided and I regretfully tell you that the fight one out.* Hours later, back in the quiet sanity of my home, that action left a memory in my hand, a regret in my heart and a scar on my soul. I was deeply ashamed of being so self-centered that I hurt someone else to make a point that I had no right to make. I had to examine why I tucked my cross:
-I tucked my cross so I wouldn't be perceived as a hypocritical Christian, preaching the love of Jesus and then not living up to that standard. Of course, in this moment, that's EXACTLY who I'd been.
-I think in that moment I thought I could step out from under God's gaze, that if somehow I hid His symbol from man, I could hide from Him. Of course, He saw it all...
-I rebelled like I always do. I knew the right thing to do and did the wrong thing anyway.
-This was who I was outside of church: A troublemaker who was still angry. It was harder for me to feel loving toward someone outside of my church family and yet as a Christian, I am called to love EVERYONE into relationship. I failed an opportunity to do so.
Even as I write this, over 2 years later, I can still feel the motion of tucking that cross out of site. I had to wake up to the realization that I had a persona at church and it didn't match the person that continued to struggle outside of its walls. It has been since that day, however, that I have looked for resolution between my two halves and they are learning to work together. Healing has taken place. There is a softening to the fight in me and a fierce determination to be who God calls me to be. It's not perfect, nor do I know that it ever will be. I wrestle with old habits and new awakenings on a daily basis. What I see though is that the person at home is beginning to become indistinguishable from the person who shows up to church, and I'm glad for it. It can be that the greatest lies are told to ourselves and I'm desperate to walk in truth. I've not tucked my cross since that Black Friday and if live out my life with love, I hope it speaks of my being a Christian long before you ever see my cross.
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*Note: God did work it out that I had to go back to the same store a day or two later and was given the opportunity to apologize. I didn't get to talk to the sales clerk directly but I gave my apology to another employee that was there that night and I hope she passed on the message.
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Studio 3:33 - "Light", August 28, 2010
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