Live Weak

But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Beloved of God,

I live with addiction. Or should I say, I'm dying with it? Because I certainly don't feel like I'm living.  Addiction is spirit-crushing, emotionally exhausting and a source of shame. Like Paul in Romans 7:19, it is the evil that I do.

For me, my addiction is in eating.  I cry out to God daily to deliver me from the compulsions, to make me desire the food that HE makes and hate the food that is slowly chipping away at my life.  When I pray like this, what I have in mind is my friend who prayed for drug addiction to be gone and the NEXT DAY, woke up with no desire for drugs.  Lord, I want THAT.

Or do I?

As much as I SAY I want a quick fix there is a part of me that really means, "Lord, just heal my body from the things I do to it so I don't have to stop what I'm doing."  The struggle is that I don’t REALLY want to change.  I really just want to be cured from the consequences and not the addiction itself.  This desire, my sin, my weakness whispers in my ear, "You can feel better right  now. I won't deny you or make you wait. I am something you can see, taste and feel and I am WITH you. You can’t get that from God."  My addiction has become my idol.

I justify this challenge by thinking, "Maybe this addiction is something that I'm supposed to have.  Maybe it's the thorn in my side that keeps me looking TO God." --- And that's where the devil likes to play: In truth that are lies.  I KNOW that God does not want this THING that I choose over Him, this THING that could shorten my work for the kingdom.  He wants more for me.  I just haven't figured out a way to want it for myself. So, it begs more questions:

"Why, God, can't I seem to repent and renounce this source of pain?"

"Why am I so weak in this area when I feel so strong in others?"

And I can feel God saying, "BECAUSE YOU ARE PRAYING THE WRONG PRAYER.  The prayer you should be praying is,  'Lord, help me to KNOW the way You love me...and help me love myself like that.' "

So I will. I will put this new prayer in my mouth and let it linger on my palette. It may be hard to swallow at first but each taste of it will eventually feed my body and nourish my Spirit. That, I DO want:  To be transformed by love.

In this prayer, I will live weak, that I may know the strength of God. In Jesus' mighty name, amen.