JUMP

Brothers and Sisters who are loved by God,

I am in a season of my life that I see the theme "LOCK IT DOWN".  I am in LOVE with God, all aspects of Him, but I am still learning "surrender".  Oh, you know how I struggle, Lord. Of course, I have no problem agreeing to do what I want to do...but even unbelievers can do that.  In my human relationships, even when I love, there is a part of me that holds back. It's not that I do it consciously but it's a lifetime of habit. When I was 4 I learned not all adults could be trusted. I spent my youth as a traveling military dependent, seeing relationships couldn't last and building walls to survive all the goodbyes. My carelessness in choosing men later in life added another layer of self-preservation, further distorting my ability to surrender in love.

So doing this for God, it doesn't come so easy. I would love to say that the day I said yes to Jesus was the day I finally JUMPED and did a free fall to all that God called me to be...but not so in my case. There is a lot of untangling and undoing that happens during the process of loosening my GRIP, especially as a prodigal daughter. "Just do it" doesn't happen if you don't know how to let yourself lose control, even if that sense of "control" lives only in the matrix. It's like telling a baby to walk just because it has legs. That child has to gain strength, learn skills along  the way and practice.

So here I am, locking it down, checking the temperature of my faith, relationships, finances, service and work.  It's a  painful process, facing my circumstances and  seeing the rubble of stupidity my past has left behind. It takes longer to rebuild when you're trying not to get cut by jagged edges and the pieces don't look like they fit together. I do have my hard hat on though so I'm going in. 

Just as detrimental is my inconsistent ability to recognize triumph over who I've been.  It's hard to see victory when awareness is so limited. It's too easy to base my feelings on the worst thing going on instead of the best. Yes, I annoy myself.

As painful as analysis is, I honor what I find as my starting point. I fortify myself with the knowledge that I am absolutely incapable of going back to my past. I am emboldened by every positive step forward and with every act of surrender, I have made it easier for the next time.

I may scream as I cling to the last remaining parts of myself but with God, those sounds of terror will turn to yelling and laughter and pumping fists.  It's time...to JUMP.