Redeeming a Resentful Giver

Beloved of God,

In this entry, I ask for your patience. We've got to get through a rough start so we can get to the miracle. It's hard for me to write it out but that's how redemption works: You face your ugly, give it to God and let him upcycle that bad boy into something someone can USE. So here we go:

I am a resentful giver.  I hope that surprises you because it's a part of my character that gives me great shame. I would be mortified to know you've ever seen a glimpse of it.  If you have, please accept my apology.  I want to assure you I am fighting this thorn in my side.  This feeling doesn't rear its ugly head with each opportunity to give.  If I offer, I love giving! The problem is, when I'm ASKED to give, whether it be money, time, resources etc... it feels like someone is TAKING. I hope SOMEone gets that.

I love to serve and give where I can. I REALLY do.  The thing is, that is EXACTLY why I resent being asked.  This is what can run through my mind:
- If I had it, don't you think I would've given it already?
- If I give it to you I won't have enough for myself.
- Haven't I given enough?
- You KNOW how busy I am. Seriously?
- Do you think I'm made of money?
- When do I get a free meal? I'm tired and sick too!
- You only talk to me when you need something.

(Gross. I know. Did I mention this was my ugly? We'll call it The Big Ugly, like, COVER THE EARTH ugly. Don't give up on me yet.  God's not going to leave me here. Get to the miracle.)

I am DETERMINED, however, not to let these thoughts control my actions. I can't help but think of the phrase, "Fake it till you make it."  It's not that I'm being fake in my giving but here's the thing:  When you know what is RIGHT, our inner thoughts don't have to dictate our outer actions. The "fake" is when the inner doesn't match the outer but the "make it" is doing it anyway.  You do it so you can get BEYOND how you started and you move  TOWARD the person you desire to be.  I WANT to be a cheerful giver, regardless of whether I initiated the gifting or I'm being asked to participate! How do I do that when I DON'T feel the warm fuzzies? Give anyway.

ACTION doesn't require a heart adjustment. Sometimes we must DO THE THING  so the heart has an opportunity to follow. It's like putting on a suit while you're still working in the mailroom.  You might not be an executive yet but it doesn't mean you can't act like one.  Fake it till you make it.

I also "give anyway" because I know that resentment is just a temporary state.  The length of time usually depends on  on my existing schedule, whether or not an unexpected medical bill is waiting for me and/or  how I'm managing any existing stress.  I give because I know my resentment is so much more about how I'm coping (or not!) in my current circumstances, not about the opportunity to give.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't DO or GIVE at every opportunity that comes my way.  I'm prayerful about what I participate in.  I try to be realistic about what I can do.  I have a family, work and already serve so I'm not looking to fill every second of my day with "opportunity".  I call it The Blessing of No.  There IS a wisdom that is required when choosing between selective things you can do at your BEST and doing EVERYTHING kinda okay.  However, if I CAN give effectively but I'm just being grumpy, you know this girl will show up with a casserole. (As a Filipina, that means pancit.)

This all came to a head for me on a particular day I felt pulled to my limits and every aspect of service in me was being called upon in the same day: cooking deadlines, business training, mentoring, ministering and teaching, both scheduled and spontaneous (ie God-planned).  As I was driving to my last appointment, I felt frustrated at the traffic, was feeling overwhelmed and, yes, resentful.  I knew I was not going to my appointment in the right state of mind and this appointment NEEDED me to get it right. So I prayed.

Lord, I'm not doing well on my own right now.  You know I'm struggling. Please help me to have the right attitude. Help me to have the right heart, a glad and joyful heart.  You have called me to this purpose and I know You have equipped me but right now I'm angry and I'm tired.  Help me to be what You need me to be for this next appointment. God, Your will. Jesus, Your presence. Spirit, Your counsel. Amen.

In that MOMENT, I felt God's answer pressing into my heart, I have called you to my side to do work WITH me.
...and that was all I needed. INSTANT peace.   My presentation was not what I had planned but the words and execution GOD provided were EXACTLY what was needed by the group.  I was able to love and minister to people who needed it and the Spirit was SO present. It was truly one of the best teaching experiences I've had!

Beloved, resentment is a temporary state, a spiritual attack, that CAN be overcome. Giving, on the other hand, is a moment of sacrifice, a permanent blessing, and has eternal implications.

And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.
2 Thessalonians 3:13 NIV