The Enemy Does Not Have Me

Beloved of God,

"THE ENEMY DOES NOT HAVE ME!!"

This is what I texted a friend last night. It was the result of a question I'd asked her just a few minutes before. I KNEW, when I asked it, I may not like the answer and did it anyway. (Silly, I know.) As I listened, I got angrier. (If I'm absolutely honest, I actually got sadder but I don't do sad. On me, pain looks like anger. It's my default when hurt threatens to overwhelm me and I need to feel protected, even if it's not real, even if it's in the matrix.) The anger was so great that I wanted a physical OUT. In those moments , I would have been grateful to feel it in my fists, to grapple, to unleash, to feel impact, relief...but I was even more grateful for control.  Even as I showed physical restraint, however, my heart didn't see any immediate recovery. I knew this anger was grieving my Spirit but I couldn't bring it back, not in those moments and certainly not in my own strength. What made it worse was realizing that this thing from my past could still hurt me long after I THOUGHT I had healed.  Being blindsided with pain you believed you'd overcome certainly adds insult to injury. 

As I sat there and STEWED another friend was mentioning the movie "The Passion of the Christ". He was recalling the scene where Jesus was being whipped with a scourge, an instrument that cut, pulled and slashed at my savior. My friend mentioned that  each mark on the back of Jesus reminded him that that those marks were our sin.  Sin IS raw and ugly and maiming and devastating and there it was, being carried on the back of one Man. As I listened to the dark beauty of this truth, my heart began to soften and Jesus spoke into it,

"I know you mourn the loss of these women but the alternative would have been to mourn the loss of Me."

In that MOMENT, my body relaxed and my soul EXHALED. Compassion replaced anger.  It happened that fast. In my own strength I could only stumble but with God, I found solid ground.

Yes, I still have moments, even days, I'm not proud of. Sometimes, like last night, when I act as though accepting Jesus didn't "take", it's only the faster recovery that tells me it did. The enemy does not have me.

Beloved, becoming a Christian doesn't make us perfect. It allows room for the One who is.